My Best Friend, My Love, My Life
I didn’t feel pain before, but now I lie in bed at night and it is itching, it is hot, it is painful. Is it my imagination or am I really feeling these things.
Well I do digress, more on what has been going on this month.
October 1st, we were celebrating my in-laws 65th Wedding Anniversary. I went to my hairdresser with Chaundra and the girls first thing in the morning to help her out. While I was there I explained to Joe (yes he does my hair at Teknik) what was happening and why I wouldn’t be in for my NEEDED hair cut and colour until I knew what was happening. In my mind I already was having my hair shaved off!! Oh yes, and of course having permanent eyebrows stenciled on…must look good when you are bald you know!
Again, I found the Anniversary Party difficult to try and put on a smiling face and pretend that there was nothing on my mind. Of course, the last thing I would want to do was to spoil my in-laws celebration. There was also one other very important person to consider, my son Ryan. I didn’t want to burden him with the news until I knew for sure what I was facing, but when I saw him I knew that he deserved to know. Another lesson, don’t keep secrets. You will be surprised what others can handle.
That night the most difficult thing that I had to handle was that two very special people didn’t come to the party. Yet, in hindsight, I wonder if I could have kept as strong if they had arrived? In fact, even writing this I come as close to tears as I have since this happened.
During the next few weeks I actually found that I was isolating myself from friends. I was still actively going to the gym but I was almost hiding from everyone. Again, didn’t want to cry.
I did have a good friend, Anna, drive from Brighton to visit me and again, made me realize how fortunate I was to have good friends and that you needed to share.
News that someone I admired greatly had passed away from Breast Cancer after a valiant effort probably brought me the closest I have been to tears. I found that I was fighting back the emotions at the Funeral Home. Watching her friends and family and knowing what they had been through was difficult.
I had breakfast with Marty Green, one that we had been trying to have for a few weeks and I think it was then that I got big awakening. Marty knows me as a very positive person and when he listened to how I was reacting he just told me to listen to what I was saying. I had mentally prepared myself for being bald, even talking to my hairdresser about shaving my head; planning my treatments and who knows what else. Marty, just encouraged me to start my blog, and quit thinking negative thoughts. Start thinking positively, listen to positive affirmations and taking one day at a time. Yep, these are lessons that I am usually preaching! Marty, I can’t thank you enough because again, another big turning point!
So as I wait for what happens on October 19th, I will keep updating you on what it feels like the next few hours.
I still don’t know what I am going to be facing but at least I will be partially there.
By the way, thanks everyone for the prayers and wishes!
Stay tuned!
The hot and painful feelings, yes can very well be your imagination. The same thing happnened to me after reading countless articles, books,and pamphlets. I too HATED my breasts and just wanted them both GONE. Information overload for sure. Hopefully the surgeon you are seeing will move quickly. But know that you likely won’t get all the answers you want tomorrow. More waiting, more waiting. My surgeon had told me that my mammo and ultrasound were very suspcious but until the results of my needle biopsy were done, she couldn’t confirm that what I had was indeed cancer. I had a ‘gut’ feeling from the beginning that mine was cancer. A couple of days later when I sat across the desk from my surgeon in her office, she confirmed it was cancer and my surgery was booked. Then she looked at me and said ‘So, now Carole, I need to know from you if you are choosing lumpectomy or mastectomy?’ Lucky for me I guess, that I had a choice ??????????? I told her I didn’t like either of those choices. After my lumpectomy and axillary node removal the seven days that followed were the WORST for me. Yes my cancerous tumour had been removed finally BUT had I CHOSEN the right procedure for me? What if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes after I decided on a lumpectomy………then I was maybe facing another surgery. Those seven days were torture. Fortunately my cancer had not spread….whew! Although my surgeon did admit she was worried when she removed my lymph nodes because they didn’t appear to be normal looking to her. Then she had remembered that I had a pre op infection from the needle biopsy and that is what caused the nodes to look out of whack. So you see…a good surgeon without a lab or pathology know what looks normal and doesn’t. It was then that my surgeon told me what type of breast cancer I had, what stage etc etc. While I was recuperating I began again to start to read and educate myself on what type of cancer I had and what I would be dealing with. Then a few weeks later I met with my Oncologist and the rest is history. It’s not fair that we have to go through all these emotions when we don’t even know what we are dealing with yet. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. xo
Jeannie, your courage & emotional strength has always been undaunting to me & I know where of I speak. These past few weeks have been horrific to get thru & I think sharing the situation on the blog has probably helped you thru this dire time. I thought Oct 19th would never come. I have been with you on the emotional roller coaster right down to the hair. Carole is right on when she says it’s not fair. Her detailed acount of her experience certainly give us real insight of this rotten journey. I’am so glad she has put it on the blog. xoxo Barb & Ted PS love the pictures
Barb, we have been through thick and thin for many, many years…you knew me before, well even before Bob knew me lol! I am encouraging Carole to be a guest blogger on this. I know that Ted has seen this from a Dr.’s perspective and for me it is definitely an eyeopener since I have always thought I could handle everything! Tomorrow is at lest another part of this done! Love ya xoxox
Jeannie, I am thinking positive thoughts & praying for you. I think about your great spirit often and you even though you were not aware, you have helped me through some difficult moments! Stay positive! XO Rose
Thanks Rose and right back to you! We must do that lunch! I feel like my life has been on hold lately…waiting and waiting and I am sure that there will be more waiting!
I’ll be thinking about you and keep those positive thoughts going. We still have a date to keep when things settle down and a needlepoint to exchange. Barb
Thanks Barb and maybe we can have time for a good visit at the same time!